Motion Lights

Do you remember being a kid sneaking around the neighborhood at night doorbell ditching, or trying to find a ball or Frisbee that had gone a little further than expected and suddenly a beam of porch light exploded upon you and any of your accomplices? You would practically $hit your pants. It was like you made it over the prison wall only to be captured on the other side and having another 50 years tacked onto your sentence. And all you did was move. You didn't steal anything. You didn't vandalize someone's house. You moved. MOVED!

That was the most brilliant implementation of the motion light. As a kid, that was probably the most effective security measure someone could take. Better than a car alarm. Better than a barking dog. Just a light. If that light came on, you got the hell out of there.

But those times are gone. The motion light has lost its power...(unintentional pun). Why? I'll tell you why. Because instead of striking fear into the hearts of juveniles, the motion light become a common nuisance. It has come into our homes and workplaces under the guise of "energy saver" - in reality acting as a nagging parent telling us to shut off the light when we leave a room.

It assumes we want a light blasting us in the face first thing in the morning while our eyes are trying to adjust. Sometimes it's a bitch that just wants to mess with you, refusing to turn on until you do your most spastic, limb-flailing leprechaun dance in the middle of your office's break room.

Worst of all, the motion light decides when you've been in the bathroom stall a bit too long. Is there a more terrifying moment in a bathroom than when the light goes out? And is there a more humbling moment than when you're in that stall, the light goes out, and you know it's not because of a power failure? Or a more shameful feeling than when someone else enters the dark bathroom, the lights go on, and this person that assumed they were alone notices your feet behind the wall with your pants around your ankles....

Damn you, motion light! You have become an epic disappointment. Once so mighty and powerful, now just a jealous and spiteful shell of your former self. What happened to you? Was it the Clapper? Such a sad and tragic fall from grace. You should be ashamed of yourself.

It's Been a Good Week

Yes, it's only Tuesday. Yes, I had a misunderstanding / miscommunication with the wife that put a bit of funk on the weekend (all better now). Yes, a pipe on the bathroom sink is leaking and I have to meet with a plumber to get it fixed. Yes, my condo goes up for auction tomorrow and my credit is doomed from here to eternity. I'm aware of all this.

The universe can throw whatever it wants at me right now, and it's trying. But what it can't do is take away one of my life's greatest achievements. Last night in a softball playoff game, yours truly launched a towering three-run homer over the centerfield fence. The shot put our team (Team Au Jus) in position to tie the game and send us to extra innings.

Team Au Jus lost the game, but put up a great fight. Down one player all night and sacrificing one out every other inning, we weren't expected to hang. But hang we did.

But let's not lose sight of what's really important here: Lightning's personal stats!

I am a lifelong baseball fan. I played little league for only two years and have played on a number of softball teams. I've always been able to hold my own, but I've always lacked that one thing - homerun power. I have never hit a homer in my life, outside of front yard games with tennis balls or those plays where an outfielder can't find a handle on the ball and I've raced around and scored.

This was a legitimate, I daresay "Ruthian" blast to the deepest part of the ball park. It was a shot that, if not for the trees beyond the centerfield fence, would likely be in Venice right now telling Sheriff how I also kicked his ass in Fantasy Football last night.

Some of you may say, "It's softball, who gives a crap?" and to you, World, I say "suck it!".

I hit a homerun. I feel like I'm 12 again. It's a good feeling. So good, in fact, that I've had the homerun ball (which I immediately stole) bronzed and will wear it as a medallion from this point on. Has your week been as good as mine? Doubtful. But better luck next week!



UPDATE: It should also be noted that, in addition to "The Shot Heard 'Round Fair Oaks", I also hit an inside-the-park homerun. This was a play that, while also a powerful drive to the deep outfield, was really more of an Usain Bolt-like display of speed. As I rounded third before the fielder even reached the ball, they never had a chance. The game was delayed for 15 minutes as the fire department was called in to douse the flames on the basepaths.

Sheriff Takes Europe by Storm!

So my buddy Sheriff has gone off to conquer Europe with his wife, Plani. Judging by their travel blog, they seem to be enjoying their time over there. Good thing, too, cuz they will be over there for another couple weeks.

But their blog just isn't telling the whole story. It seems they are keeping a few moments for themselves. Fortunately, I have some European affiliates that have been keeping tabs on them as well. Check out some of the shenanigans below:

Sheriff breezed into Paris a few days ago....



This of course was following his adventures in London....



Sheriff loves those Euro beaches.....



But he maintains that Amsterdam's Red Light District is probably his favorite spot....



But that was a night that got a little out of hand. He has no idea how he got here....



Think he's learned his lesson after a couple close calls.....



But there was never any fear, as Sheriff had faced difficult situations before....



He was happy to get the vacation back on track and amongst a friendlier crowd....



So Sheriff seems to be enjoying his vacation. Lots happening so far with plenty of time left. If my sources can get me some more info, I will post it ASAP.

Good day to you all, and God speed.