I'm a Social Ruhtard

In the last two days I have had two seemingly minor incidents at the office that, while being a throw away moment for any witnesses, have continued to gnaw at my psyche. Now I'm not one to really care all that much about what people think of me (cuz I'm awesome), but I am one that can instantly trade places with a person in a sort of creepy telepathic kind of way and see what they're seeing when they happen to be looking my way...which they do....often........really..............no, seriously.........................whatever!

Anyhoo, onto the idiot moments.

1.) If you have ever legitimately forgotten something, the typical reaction is to to turn around and go get it - time permitting of course. However, if you come bolting out of an office door, realize you've forgotten something, but make eye contact with a passer by while turning around, it suddenly looks like you are afraid of this person or you are putting up a rather poor attempt at ignoring them. Regardless, it's a one time incident and this person will be long gone by the time you return to the hallway with your forgotten item.

OR, you will make an unintentionally wide right turn coming into the hallway and find yourself walking head on towards the same person, you will over-correct and steer yourself to the opposite wall, and any question of whether or not you're trying to avoid this person will be answered. Obviously this person is being avoided (not really, but that's the obvious impression by now, right?)

But it's fine. No harm done. Just duck into the bathroom, allow this person to clear the hallway, and quietly return to your office space. Never mind the errand you were attempting to run because you've forgotten what that was anyway.

However, on your way out of the bathroom, always remember to grab a drink from the adjacent water fountain before you reach the hallway. If you do not, you will remember just as you reach the hallway, you will begin to make your u-turn, you will make eye contact once again with this strange hallway-roaming person who you may just start to intentionally ignore from this point on, you will duck back into the shadows by the drinking fountain and get your drink, then do the office sprint-but-not-a-real-sprint-cuz-you're-inside-a-building-sprint back to your desk and remain in your seat for the rest of the day.

Have I over thought this? Most likely. But seriously, what was she doing pacing the hallway like that? Doesn't she have work to do?

2.) Did you know that when you slip on a patch of ice, you probably do more damage to yourself trying to brace yourself on the fall to the ground than you would have if you had just allowed gravity to take over? In the same vein, I imagine you also do more damage to yourself by inhaling water but trying to play it off like you didn't just inhale water in an effort to avoid erupting into a massive coughing/choking/dying seizure in the middle of a hallway as a coworker passes.

Oh yeah, she says 'hi' as she passes. And yes, cuz you're not an ass, you manage to vomit a wheezing 'hey' right back at her. This is the last word of your pathetic little life. Shortly thereafter you will reach your office, body trembling, and you will lose complete control of all speech and motor skills. You will wish for death as your lungs attempt to expel that rogue water from your system, but death will not come. Only shame. Only.....shame.

Good day.

10 Questions

Just had a few things weighing on my mind for which I don't have answers, so I thought I'd put them out there:

1. Why do communications offices continually seem to have the most communications problems?

2. How did all of my clothes end up with holes in them at exactly the same time?

3. If something delicious gives you a violent case of the poops, is it wrong to eat leftovers the next day like nothing ever happened?

4. Why does my Dish receiver keep freaking out and changing to the Lifetime network?

5. Do all chicks come with that same stress frequency in their voice that makes you feel like you've just been tasered the second they start speaking?

6. When I am unable/unwilling to pay a bill, is it realistic to assume that I will pay that bill if the amount owed is continually increased?

7. What does arthritis feel like?

8. Do I have arthritis?

9. Is there a study available comparing the productivity and sanity of cubicle workers to prison inmates in solitary confinement?

10. If I were to fly off the handle and kill someone after hearing the 10th Nickleback song of the day, would any jury in the nation convict me?

That is all. Have a swell day.

-Lightning

Handshakes

Is there a more understated form of asserting dominance than the handshake?

"It's nice to meet you...let me obliterate every bone in your hand in an attempt to rip your arm from your shoulder and beat you with it."

The importance of a strong handshake has been ingrained in me since childhood as I learned quickly that I just might lose a hand if I didn't fight back. On the plus side, I have developed a pretty solid handshake over time. The down side is that the strong handshake is not something easily controlled and thus has a tendency to backfire when applied to the wrong person.

Case-in-point: this morning I was informed by my boss that I had passed my probationary period for my new job with flying colors. She offered her congratulations verbally with an accompanying handshake. Instinctively I brought my hand forward to meet hers and I proceeded to turn it to dust.

She was kind enough to finish the shake, smile, and move on about her day without any acknowledgment of the brutal assault that just took place, but the tears that welled up in her eyes spoke volumes.

I'm SORRY!! However, I just passed probation so there's nothing she can do about it, eh. BOOM!!

But I digress. I suppose the strength of a handshake is important in a few different ways. It demonstrates confidence, strength, ...maybe trustworthiness (definitely debateable)..., and a few other things. However, I'm not sure the rewards outweigh the risks. I mean, I almost disabled a boss that had just given me a great review (and possibly a raise...no idea), and for what? Because of a social norm that says a person should have a strong handshake?

There was another incident one time when I met a girlfriend's parents and I actually heard something pop in her mom's hand when I shook it. Fortunately for everyone involved, this girl wasn't at all worth keeping. But that could've been tragic under different circumstances.

Now the fist bump, that's something that I can get on board with. It's fast becoming an acceptable form of greeting someone thanks to the likes of Howie Mandel and President Obama. Not only does it prevent folks from touching hands (another part of the handshake that bugs me), but there seems to be a standard of strength applied to the bump. It's seemingly even across the board. Nobody is judging someone for having a weak bump, because it's pretty hard to determine. And on the opposite end, nobody gets hurt because nobody is trying to drive home a left hook when they say hello. Everything seems to stay right there in that middle ground.

Honestly, I think my number one choice of greetings would be one where we just wave and avoid any and all physical contact when meeting/greeting people. No shaking, no bumping, no kissing like those crazy Euros. I would even bow like the Japanese. Just no touching! So awkward, and so much room for error.

Anyhoo, that concludes my rant. Thanks for wasting part of your day on it. Everybody be careful out there.