Motion Lights

Do you remember being a kid sneaking around the neighborhood at night doorbell ditching, or trying to find a ball or Frisbee that had gone a little further than expected and suddenly a beam of porch light exploded upon you and any of your accomplices? You would practically $hit your pants. It was like you made it over the prison wall only to be captured on the other side and having another 50 years tacked onto your sentence. And all you did was move. You didn't steal anything. You didn't vandalize someone's house. You moved. MOVED!

That was the most brilliant implementation of the motion light. As a kid, that was probably the most effective security measure someone could take. Better than a car alarm. Better than a barking dog. Just a light. If that light came on, you got the hell out of there.

But those times are gone. The motion light has lost its power...(unintentional pun). Why? I'll tell you why. Because instead of striking fear into the hearts of juveniles, the motion light become a common nuisance. It has come into our homes and workplaces under the guise of "energy saver" - in reality acting as a nagging parent telling us to shut off the light when we leave a room.

It assumes we want a light blasting us in the face first thing in the morning while our eyes are trying to adjust. Sometimes it's a bitch that just wants to mess with you, refusing to turn on until you do your most spastic, limb-flailing leprechaun dance in the middle of your office's break room.

Worst of all, the motion light decides when you've been in the bathroom stall a bit too long. Is there a more terrifying moment in a bathroom than when the light goes out? And is there a more humbling moment than when you're in that stall, the light goes out, and you know it's not because of a power failure? Or a more shameful feeling than when someone else enters the dark bathroom, the lights go on, and this person that assumed they were alone notices your feet behind the wall with your pants around your ankles....

Damn you, motion light! You have become an epic disappointment. Once so mighty and powerful, now just a jealous and spiteful shell of your former self. What happened to you? Was it the Clapper? Such a sad and tragic fall from grace. You should be ashamed of yourself.

It's Been a Good Week

Yes, it's only Tuesday. Yes, I had a misunderstanding / miscommunication with the wife that put a bit of funk on the weekend (all better now). Yes, a pipe on the bathroom sink is leaking and I have to meet with a plumber to get it fixed. Yes, my condo goes up for auction tomorrow and my credit is doomed from here to eternity. I'm aware of all this.

The universe can throw whatever it wants at me right now, and it's trying. But what it can't do is take away one of my life's greatest achievements. Last night in a softball playoff game, yours truly launched a towering three-run homer over the centerfield fence. The shot put our team (Team Au Jus) in position to tie the game and send us to extra innings.

Team Au Jus lost the game, but put up a great fight. Down one player all night and sacrificing one out every other inning, we weren't expected to hang. But hang we did.

But let's not lose sight of what's really important here: Lightning's personal stats!

I am a lifelong baseball fan. I played little league for only two years and have played on a number of softball teams. I've always been able to hold my own, but I've always lacked that one thing - homerun power. I have never hit a homer in my life, outside of front yard games with tennis balls or those plays where an outfielder can't find a handle on the ball and I've raced around and scored.

This was a legitimate, I daresay "Ruthian" blast to the deepest part of the ball park. It was a shot that, if not for the trees beyond the centerfield fence, would likely be in Venice right now telling Sheriff how I also kicked his ass in Fantasy Football last night.

Some of you may say, "It's softball, who gives a crap?" and to you, World, I say "suck it!".

I hit a homerun. I feel like I'm 12 again. It's a good feeling. So good, in fact, that I've had the homerun ball (which I immediately stole) bronzed and will wear it as a medallion from this point on. Has your week been as good as mine? Doubtful. But better luck next week!



UPDATE: It should also be noted that, in addition to "The Shot Heard 'Round Fair Oaks", I also hit an inside-the-park homerun. This was a play that, while also a powerful drive to the deep outfield, was really more of an Usain Bolt-like display of speed. As I rounded third before the fielder even reached the ball, they never had a chance. The game was delayed for 15 minutes as the fire department was called in to douse the flames on the basepaths.

Sheriff Takes Europe by Storm!

So my buddy Sheriff has gone off to conquer Europe with his wife, Plani. Judging by their travel blog, they seem to be enjoying their time over there. Good thing, too, cuz they will be over there for another couple weeks.

But their blog just isn't telling the whole story. It seems they are keeping a few moments for themselves. Fortunately, I have some European affiliates that have been keeping tabs on them as well. Check out some of the shenanigans below:

Sheriff breezed into Paris a few days ago....



This of course was following his adventures in London....



Sheriff loves those Euro beaches.....



But he maintains that Amsterdam's Red Light District is probably his favorite spot....



But that was a night that got a little out of hand. He has no idea how he got here....



Think he's learned his lesson after a couple close calls.....



But there was never any fear, as Sheriff had faced difficult situations before....



He was happy to get the vacation back on track and amongst a friendlier crowd....



So Sheriff seems to be enjoying his vacation. Lots happening so far with plenty of time left. If my sources can get me some more info, I will post it ASAP.

Good day to you all, and God speed.

Here's Why You Bother Me

1. You have grown your hair out to an absolutely ludicrous length which prohibits you from doing anything socially without being an absolute pain in the ass to those around you. Specifically, I'm talking about air travel. Yes, you, hippie chick....in the seat in front of me. You know how they make obese people purchase multiple tickets for their "extra baggage"? The fact that there is no seat-purchasing law for your "Cousin It" hair that is dragging on the floor and drifting back to my seating area is staggering. I am all for freedom, but when you take advantage of your freedom to to the point where it impacts MY freedom to eat a hairless bag of peanuts or travel without fear of lice in my drink, then I'm all about communism. Will the TSA allow me to carry clippers with me on my next trip?

2. You're not a funny person, but you try to drown out the crickets by laughing at your own jokes. What's worse is that you continue talking and digging your tragic comedy hole deeper. You're in an office, sir. You are not on stage where they are paying you to make jokes. You will still get paid if you cut your losses and walk away. I don't know who you're trying to impress, but you are failing. Does seeing a plastic peach really remind you of Georgia, or are you making a fruitless (See? Puns are effective comedy) attempt at conversation with someone that obviously has no interest in talking to you? Please....take it outside.

3. You hassle me about a blog. I realize I am a supremely gifted writer and that it's difficult to get through your days without some fresh literary stimulation, but I am an artist. To string words together so eloquently requires inspiration and passion, and those don't come as fast or as often as they do in other McBlog's. You want 5-star Lightning quality, you must have patience. You want fast food, go to Sheriff's euro-blog*....Chet :P

*Sheriff and Plani - I actually quite enjoy your travel log. I make jokes :D

Happy Monday, all!

I'm a Social Ruhtard

In the last two days I have had two seemingly minor incidents at the office that, while being a throw away moment for any witnesses, have continued to gnaw at my psyche. Now I'm not one to really care all that much about what people think of me (cuz I'm awesome), but I am one that can instantly trade places with a person in a sort of creepy telepathic kind of way and see what they're seeing when they happen to be looking my way...which they do....often........really..............no, seriously.........................whatever!

Anyhoo, onto the idiot moments.

1.) If you have ever legitimately forgotten something, the typical reaction is to to turn around and go get it - time permitting of course. However, if you come bolting out of an office door, realize you've forgotten something, but make eye contact with a passer by while turning around, it suddenly looks like you are afraid of this person or you are putting up a rather poor attempt at ignoring them. Regardless, it's a one time incident and this person will be long gone by the time you return to the hallway with your forgotten item.

OR, you will make an unintentionally wide right turn coming into the hallway and find yourself walking head on towards the same person, you will over-correct and steer yourself to the opposite wall, and any question of whether or not you're trying to avoid this person will be answered. Obviously this person is being avoided (not really, but that's the obvious impression by now, right?)

But it's fine. No harm done. Just duck into the bathroom, allow this person to clear the hallway, and quietly return to your office space. Never mind the errand you were attempting to run because you've forgotten what that was anyway.

However, on your way out of the bathroom, always remember to grab a drink from the adjacent water fountain before you reach the hallway. If you do not, you will remember just as you reach the hallway, you will begin to make your u-turn, you will make eye contact once again with this strange hallway-roaming person who you may just start to intentionally ignore from this point on, you will duck back into the shadows by the drinking fountain and get your drink, then do the office sprint-but-not-a-real-sprint-cuz-you're-inside-a-building-sprint back to your desk and remain in your seat for the rest of the day.

Have I over thought this? Most likely. But seriously, what was she doing pacing the hallway like that? Doesn't she have work to do?

2.) Did you know that when you slip on a patch of ice, you probably do more damage to yourself trying to brace yourself on the fall to the ground than you would have if you had just allowed gravity to take over? In the same vein, I imagine you also do more damage to yourself by inhaling water but trying to play it off like you didn't just inhale water in an effort to avoid erupting into a massive coughing/choking/dying seizure in the middle of a hallway as a coworker passes.

Oh yeah, she says 'hi' as she passes. And yes, cuz you're not an ass, you manage to vomit a wheezing 'hey' right back at her. This is the last word of your pathetic little life. Shortly thereafter you will reach your office, body trembling, and you will lose complete control of all speech and motor skills. You will wish for death as your lungs attempt to expel that rogue water from your system, but death will not come. Only shame. Only.....shame.

Good day.

10 Questions

Just had a few things weighing on my mind for which I don't have answers, so I thought I'd put them out there:

1. Why do communications offices continually seem to have the most communications problems?

2. How did all of my clothes end up with holes in them at exactly the same time?

3. If something delicious gives you a violent case of the poops, is it wrong to eat leftovers the next day like nothing ever happened?

4. Why does my Dish receiver keep freaking out and changing to the Lifetime network?

5. Do all chicks come with that same stress frequency in their voice that makes you feel like you've just been tasered the second they start speaking?

6. When I am unable/unwilling to pay a bill, is it realistic to assume that I will pay that bill if the amount owed is continually increased?

7. What does arthritis feel like?

8. Do I have arthritis?

9. Is there a study available comparing the productivity and sanity of cubicle workers to prison inmates in solitary confinement?

10. If I were to fly off the handle and kill someone after hearing the 10th Nickleback song of the day, would any jury in the nation convict me?

That is all. Have a swell day.

-Lightning

Handshakes

Is there a more understated form of asserting dominance than the handshake?

"It's nice to meet you...let me obliterate every bone in your hand in an attempt to rip your arm from your shoulder and beat you with it."

The importance of a strong handshake has been ingrained in me since childhood as I learned quickly that I just might lose a hand if I didn't fight back. On the plus side, I have developed a pretty solid handshake over time. The down side is that the strong handshake is not something easily controlled and thus has a tendency to backfire when applied to the wrong person.

Case-in-point: this morning I was informed by my boss that I had passed my probationary period for my new job with flying colors. She offered her congratulations verbally with an accompanying handshake. Instinctively I brought my hand forward to meet hers and I proceeded to turn it to dust.

She was kind enough to finish the shake, smile, and move on about her day without any acknowledgment of the brutal assault that just took place, but the tears that welled up in her eyes spoke volumes.

I'm SORRY!! However, I just passed probation so there's nothing she can do about it, eh. BOOM!!

But I digress. I suppose the strength of a handshake is important in a few different ways. It demonstrates confidence, strength, ...maybe trustworthiness (definitely debateable)..., and a few other things. However, I'm not sure the rewards outweigh the risks. I mean, I almost disabled a boss that had just given me a great review (and possibly a raise...no idea), and for what? Because of a social norm that says a person should have a strong handshake?

There was another incident one time when I met a girlfriend's parents and I actually heard something pop in her mom's hand when I shook it. Fortunately for everyone involved, this girl wasn't at all worth keeping. But that could've been tragic under different circumstances.

Now the fist bump, that's something that I can get on board with. It's fast becoming an acceptable form of greeting someone thanks to the likes of Howie Mandel and President Obama. Not only does it prevent folks from touching hands (another part of the handshake that bugs me), but there seems to be a standard of strength applied to the bump. It's seemingly even across the board. Nobody is judging someone for having a weak bump, because it's pretty hard to determine. And on the opposite end, nobody gets hurt because nobody is trying to drive home a left hook when they say hello. Everything seems to stay right there in that middle ground.

Honestly, I think my number one choice of greetings would be one where we just wave and avoid any and all physical contact when meeting/greeting people. No shaking, no bumping, no kissing like those crazy Euros. I would even bow like the Japanese. Just no touching! So awkward, and so much room for error.

Anyhoo, that concludes my rant. Thanks for wasting part of your day on it. Everybody be careful out there.

Deadliest Chet

*the following has been conceived through a number of thoughts and conversations between a small group. It's basically an inside joke. If you're not one of those that gets it, you're not missing anything*

Episode 1

It's January on the Bering Sea. Following a grueling king crab season that saw injuries, death, and very small returns, the Tug's fleet has set out again in hopes of reversing their fortunes in the hunt for Opilio Crab.

At Dutch Harbor, Lightning, veteran Captain of the 180 foot 'Boca Chain' is already off to a rough start as his newest crew members struggle to ready their gear for the season.

Lightning: Well, we picked up these guys in town said they were looking for a job, so I gave them a shot. We'll see how it goes, but I ain't seen anything yet to warrant getting my hopes up.

Sheriff: This is so weird. I was up here in Alaska on a site-seeing tour and I'm assaulted by these men as I walked out of the salon. They threw a bag over my head - incidentally, it completely ruined my new look - and next thing you know, I'm on this dock. But hey, I went fishing once when I was 5 at a pond by my house. This can't be much different, right?

Up in the wheel house, Deck Boss Boca is voicing his concerns with the captain.

Boca: I don't know what you're thinking, Lightning. That Sheriff kid broke a nail tying his shoes. And this Chet guy you found....he keeps calling the bait "sushi" and speaking in bad quotes from washed up comedians. I don't even think he knows he's in Alaska.

Lightning: Well, since we lost Murray and Gunther to the pink eye, it's all we've got right now so we'll have to deal with it. You gotta trust me with this. I've always found the crab, always got us paid, and you and I could run this ship by ourselves. If it comes down to it, we bring Molly up out of the kitchen to the sorting table and those guys head down to cook...or crochet....or whatever it is they do. She knows more about the crabs than anyone anyway.

Boca: You're the boss. But I kid you not - if I hear about spa day or Kenny Fucking Powers again, I'm throwing both of their asses overboard. Why? Cuz Boca just don't give a fuck.

With the Crew assembled and the gear loaded, deckhand Boca Jr. cuts the ship loose from the dock and the Boca Chain sets sail into the teeth of another Bering Sea winter. The search for Opilio, fortune, and survival is on.

Welcome to Alaska.

Got Definition?

Greetings blog readers (Kenny). Ran across an article that sparked some curiosity this morning and, since California isn't currently burning to the ground, I thought I'd take a few minutes to discuss semantics.

There are words being thrown about in today's society that have completely lost their intended meaning, and this needs to be corrected quickly. At the very least it needs to be recognized so as to avoid having a population running around proclaiming that a quarterback coming back into a game after having broken his leg is "heroic". No. The word for that is "idiot".

Anyhoo, I've got two notable examples. The first came to me in the form of a headline this morning that read, "Kevin Federline Shocks Fans Over New Size".

I have a couple problems with this. First, this headline about K Fed's recent weight gain was front and center on Yahoo News. It's not like I went digging around TMZ or OMG or WTF. This was on a "news" site. Ugh! But that's a subject for another time.

The word "fan" is what bothers me here. Who was the last Kevin Federline "fan" that you met? Oh, you haven't met one? Is this likely due to the fact that there couldn't possibly be any Kevin Federline fans on this planet?

The word "fan" is short for "fanatic", which is defined as "a person with an extreme and uncritical enthusiasm or zeal." Does anyone feel this way towards K Fed? If you know of anyone, please punch them in the face immediately.

In this world of celebrity or faux celebrity "news", it is being implied that these A-D listers all have fans. In reality (we'll get to reality next), the people reading the stories and watching the 2000 different Access Hollywood BS shows are not fans of the "celebrities". They're fans of gossip and trash television. There's a big difference.

It's just upsetting to see people being intentionally misled into believing that there are folks out there that are actually obsessed with K Fed, and those dbags from The Hills, and other non-celebrities (and actual celebrities) that are constantly being pushed in our face. I assure you there are not.

My final objection is to the rampant use of the word "reality". Defined as "the state or quality of being real; resemblance to what is real", this word has gotten way out of hand.

I have never been put up in a huge mansion while 30 hot chicks battle for my love and to boost their acting careers. I have never been dropped in the middle of the wilderness with 20+ people and forced to live off rats and whatever else I could scrounge up, and every now and then break up the monotony by walking on a balance beam in the middle of a swamp. I don't think I've done anything that is deemed "reality" by just about all the programming on the Fox network. There's even a channel devoted to 24/7 "reality" programming.

And I'm not alone. I would venture to guess that 99.9% of the population has never encountered anything even remotely close to what these shows are depicting. Why? Because it's not reality. You want reality? Let's see a show about a guy that gets up in the morning, goes to a job that he isn't all that passionate about, sits in a cubicle all day, shuffles paperwork around, goes to a couple meetings, almost falls asleep at his desk a few times, makes a couple inappropriate jokes/emails to help the day go by, then drives home in a crappy car, stopping by the Taco Bell drive thru on the way home and having to dig for spare change in the cup holder to pay for his tostada.

Hell, let's not even make it that complicated. Let's have a show about a person that has to pay A bill. Not billS. Just A bill. One. It's up to them to go out and find the means to make an income that can cover that bill while also keeping themselves alive, though not necessarily healthy. That would take a better job.

But that's real. I don't have a word for all that other crap. Surreal? Fantasy? Rigawddamndiculous? Pick whatever word(s) you like, just don't pick "reality". I'm just not a fan.

Peace out.

Earthquakes

So here I am, in Temecula, Day 8 of vacation. I have watched more television this week than I think I've watched all year long. After watching a perfect game, a show about rigging on 2,000 foot TV towers, several cake shows, and reintroducing myself to the brilliance that was the Cosby Show, I am now watching a show about the inevitability of a catastrophic earthquake striking the Bay Area sometime yesterday.

Now of course there will be an earthquake. San Francisco is nestled between eight different active faultlines. Of course it will be catastrophic. There are millions of people and structures sitting on top of these faultlines. But will a quake kill the millions of people that the narrator is suggesting? I'm fairly certain we're a little beyond that possibility. It's not as if San Francisco is a little shantytown in India, with cinder blocks held up by tent poles and rubberbands. I think technology has come a much longer way since the 1906 than this show suggests.

I believe in being prepared for things like this, particularly if you happen to live in such a disaster-prone area. But this show is quite the little worst-case scenario designed to scare the crap out of people. Bridges crumble, city burns, people trample everyone, martial law is declared, Gavin Newsome's hair falls out of place, etc. etc. A little bit excessive for my tastes, but interesting information nonetheless.

I don't pretend to know what will happen to SF the next time an earthquake hits, but I have to assume we're much better prepared now than we were in 1906 and even in 1989. While I won't want to be in the city when the chaos occurs, I just can't buy into this doomsday perspective. But hey, whatever makes for good television, eh.

Speaking of which, should I continue watching TV (a Civil War program just started) or get out of the house and swim? A tough choice made even tougher by this comfy couch vs. my hot wife trying out a new bikini by the pool. Decisions, decisions........

Blogger be Thy Name

Haven't been feeling particularly bloggy lately. However, since my wife is currently in the living room watching Oprah with my mother, I think I should take a moment away from the estrogen and type a few snipets about what I'm feeling about some select things.

Media - no matter what they try to make us believe, we don't actually have any rights to view video or hear tapes of the death/pain/misery of others unless we are in fact on a jury deciding the fate of a defendant. To the rest of us, it's not our business unless we happen to be directly involved. They don't care about the victims, but only for the ratings and ad revenue their despair can generate. It's a sick and perverted (redundant?) industry.

Furlough Days - just received a third day each month and easily on my way to a fourth, along with 230,000+ of my "coworkers". Four days a month equals 48 day a year (2 months of work). Don't know about you, but losing 2 months of salary in a year is a pretty nice chunk of change. Not sure how the Governator aims to boost the economy by cutting the spending power of thousands of workers...not to mention the trickle down to local governments and small businesses that won't get services or get paid. This state is currently a big fat shit hole, politically and economically speaking. These legislators are seriously going to have to start watching their backs, cuz there are a number of state workers that are pretty unhinged when they make full paychecks. The camel's back is surely close to breaking by now. (Disclaimer - this is NOT me threatening to harm legislators. I'm not that type. Just simply pointing out that it wouldn't surprise me if this happens with things as they are)

The Boca Chain - fucking amazing! The Boca Chain introduced Jose Canseco to steroids in the early 80's, threw a pass AND intercepted the same pass in an NFL game, and knows who killed President Kennedy. Do you know the Boca Chain? You should. Go here.

Chicks - what....the....eff....?

That's all I got for now. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

-Lightning

Nudists

Now that I've got your attention, here are a couple of Pismo pics poached from the brother in law's blog: http://kennygrill.blogspot.com/.

Talk about a teaser! Only ONE pic of me and the wife?! I need more than that! But I guess that's how you pull people in. Kenny must be in marketing or something....





And just so I don't totally disappoint the people that were drawn in by the title, I have a question. What you don't see in the ocean picture is a beach outside the left frame where nudists gather and socialize. Part of this socialization includes playing volleyball.

I would like to know two things: 1. Why do there never seem to be any attractive nudists; and 2. Why does the sport of choice always seem to be volleyball? I would think that is among the last sports you'd want to play with your junk flailing about and sand lodging itself into every nook and cranny.

But I'm not a nudist, so I suppose I must accept that there are some things I'm not meant to understand.

Anyhoo, happy Monday everyone!

Driving Chicks Crazy

This blog is mostly for the wife (yes, I can call her "the wife" and there's nothing she can do about it...I put it in the fine print of my vows). However, if there are any other ladies out there that want some insight, prepare to be enlightened.

I don't believe in driving 'shortcuts'. In fact, I don't know the last time I even said the word 'shortcut' in reference to making a u-turn and gunning for the back alley located in the opposite direction of the freeway. What I do believe in is motion and moving forward.

There are few things more absurd than coming to a complete stop on a road that has no stop lights, no stop signs, and a maximum speed of 65 miles per hour. Only slightly more absurd would be the wife (TW) that purchases an item she doesn't need, yet insisting that she 'saved' money. ARRRGGHH!!

Back to my point. I peeled off the freeway this morning because traffic was at a standstill. I took the back roads to get to work. Did it save me time? Probably not. Was it less stressful? Absolutely. Why? Because there was constant motion and the feeling that I was actually making progress.

Last night we headed to the folks house following an awesome pizza outing. I went a different direction than the parents and all I heard was bellyaching from TW about how this way was longer and took more time. First off, I lived in the town for most of my life so I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing. Second, the parents have the keys so it does me no good to beat them to their house. Third, MY LIGHT WAS GREEN!

Distance and time aside, if given the choice between sitting completely still on a street or going with the green light, I'm going green 90% of the time. Hell, I do the same thing at crosswalks when I'm walking.

Is this just a guy thing? I have no idea. Seems to be, though, since I've never heard a guy ask 'why the hell did you go this way?' However, I've definitely heard that from a few ladies over the years.

I went this way because it was moving and we will get where we're going. It may not be that much faster, and we may actually arrive later than everyone, but the light was green and that made me happy.

So there you have it. 'Shortcuts' don't exist, and I'm pretty sure we all know that. I (and I hope I'm not the only guy thinking this) am simply trying to find the path that flows the smoothest. Forward motion on the road is what it's all about. Stopping and starting amounts to road rage.

That is all, blog fans. Have a great day, and drive safe!

Oh yeah....and we beat my parents to the house by 5 minutes. *sigh*

Oh Turkey Leg, How Do I Love Thee...

The Crew went out to Disneyland on Monday in celebration of the Lightning's wedding, churros, and inflated theme park retail prices. All good things, indeed. But I think the most memorable thing at the House of Mouse this time around was delicious turkey. Never before had I experienced such a marvel of meat on bone (pastrami and bacon aren't eaten off the bone, so my love of those meats is undeterred). But I digress....

Helloooo, Turkey leg....



Chet is impressed, as he should be...



Sexiest thing I've ever seen...



Why are you staring at me?!



AWM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!!

You Are Hereby Sentenced to Life in Stupidity

Listening to CNN right now as I'm forced to do on a daily basis. Unfortunately, what qualifies as "news" these days is taking snipets of much larger conversations and debating semantics for hours, days, and weeks.

Let's take President Obama's new Supreme Court nominee. She's Hispanic (or Dominican, or Puerto Rican, or something South of American). It really doesn't matter in the context of this story.

I guess this woman made a comment a couple years ago that actually made sense in the context of what she was talking about, but perhaps it wasn't said in the most 'PC' of ways. Whatever. It was years ago. Let it be.

Oh wait, she's a new appointee and we need dirt and gossip. So Rush Limbaugh gets on the golden mic and calls her a racist. Then uses the term "reverse racist". CNN of course jumps on this because they need to fill hours. Next thing you know, we have "experts" throwing out terms like "new racism" vs. "old racism".

First of all, the chick isn't a racist. She's a high profile Latina which gives the media a target. Terms related to race are naturally coming up because there wouldn't be a story if they didn't.

Second, am I wrong, or is racism just racism? Seems to me that if you're seriously demoralizing any specific ethnic group, you are a racist. You're not a reverse racist, a new racist, an old racist...you're just a plain ol' racist.

If there are any racists in this whole picture, I would think it's the media. They are the ones that perpetuate these stories and terms, and they're the ones that create cases of racism where there are none by magnifying things and blowing them way out of proportion. And suddenly you have the idiot public blindly crying "racist" because the media told them to. It's careless and dumb.

I guess the only way to eliminate this kind of thing is to wipe out the use of words that define groups of people (i.e. black, white, hispanic, asian, gay, blah blah blah) and, I don't know, use the word "people" instead. Pretty simple stuff that will never happen, but can you imagine the difference if it did? The "news" would almost disappear...and that would be awesome.

Anyhoo, this distracts from my usual happy-go-luckyness, so here's something a little more 'me'...

Lightning's Getting Married

I'm down in Pismo Beach for the next couple days. The reason? I've decided to get married. Even more astonishing...Mrs. Lightning has decided to marry ME. Wow.

That is all. Must go sleep off the beer now.

Narcissism, thy name is 'Personal Webpage'

Yes, I have a Facebook page. I also have a Twitter page that I don't really use, but it's there. I've had a MySpacepage before, and now I have myself a blog.

Like many, I talked myself into these pages because they hold value in the area of 'social networking'. Okay, first off, networking is a social action that doesn't require all these websites. Effective networking really only requires you and your personality.

Second, I just don't buy that reasoning for these websites. Let's be real. The only reason you're "friends" with a majority of the people on there is because you want to put yourself on display to as many people as possible. These sites are tools for new age exhibitionists.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's good to be proud of who you are and what you are doing with your life. But surely you know that the only person interested in seeing the 100 pictures of you and your dog is you....and maybe your dog. Everybody else feels like Dennis of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" when he says, "dreams are like pictures: unless I'm in them or somebody is having sex in them, I'm just not interested."

But hey, keep on keepin' on. I'm not trying to stop anyone from doing what they do. Hell, I'm one of the biggest "look at me" whores out there - you know, aside from actual whores. I also realize that I'm probably the only one that's going to read this cuz nobody else is interested. Of course if I threw up someone else's picture, betcha they'd be interested then....

TOUGH!! This is what you get! Look at me x3

Shout Out to CSUS

It took me two and a half years and several thousand dollars to get out of Sac State with a Bachelor of Art's Degree in Communication Studies/Digital Media. When I left college, I spent the next few years trying to find a job that was remotely related to my degree.

By the time I landed in that type of job, it had been seven years, anything I learned had become obsolete and was forgotten anyway, and apparently the degree program itself became obsolete and has since been eliminated.

But that's okay. In the last two months at my new job, I have learned and done more with digital media than I ever did in college and in the years since. What's more, I'm actually getting paid to do it.

So thank you, CSUS. If for nothing else, you at least gave me a piece of paper that looks nice in a frame on my wall and makes me feel like a big shot.

I Caught My Wife Sleeping With My Best Friend....

...and I actually thought it was pretty cute. Unfortunately, the good cameras all had dead batteries.

Priorities

So I'm sitting in the hospital with Syd as she gets her weekly infusion treatment. Every week we bring her to Kaiser, they poke an IV into her arm, then have her sit still for 5-6 hours (well, she can walk around so long as it doesn't interfere with the IV tube). For any sort of adult that I know, this would be a major inconvenience. But we're 8 weeks in now and the only fussing I've heard about anything is really just the part where they stick the needle in her arm. After that, it's smooth sailing....so long as we've got a comfy chair, the Beanie Baby leopard family, and Mamma Mia playing 6 inches from her face.

Sydney is my hero :)

Let the Negativity Commence

In recent years I've found that when I am given a forum to write freely, often times I take the opportunity to rant about negative things that I find preposterous, irritating, or that incite rage. It makes me seem like an angry person. I'm really not, but I'm okay with that perception so long as it's left on the blogs and you stay away from awkward confrontations about it. Let's keep the writing and the 'in person' guys separate, if you don't mind. Don't believe me? Look --> :D Happy!

With that said, here's my brief list of "wish I said it" answers to various karaoke questions I've been asked:

1. No, I will not sing Love Shack with you.
2. I've never heard a hyena rape a howler monkey, but I imagine the sound is pretty comparable to your rendition of that Journey song.
3. Don't touch me.
4. Yes, you can buy me a drink if you promise to go away immediately after that.
5. I'm ignoring you because I don't like you, you haven't tipped me, you are a douchebag, and you smell.
6. The microphone settings were fine. Maybe look into fixing your voice.
7. If you're leaving and your song hasn't come up yet, you better put some cash in that tip jar or else you're s.o.l.
7a. And honestly, your "friends" don't want to hear you "sing" anything. You are your only fan.
8. I swear to Christ, don't effing touch me.

The End is Nigh

Good....lord. It has been a helluva day at the office. The work hasn't been so bad, but the background noise that is CNN has got me ready to start petitioning congress to give rational and logical citizens the ability to freely eradicate stupid people as they see fit.

Samples of the news today:
1. If Wolf Blitzer continues to say "swiiiiiine flu", I will reach through the TV to punch him in the face.

2. Schools are providing "hand washing clinics" to show how to wash hands properly. Christ...if we have enough people older than two years old not knowing how to wash their hands to warrant clinics, we've got much bigger problems than Swiiiiiiine Flu.

3. A European plane destined for DC was diverted to Boston when a passenger mentioned she was feeling "flu-like". First of all, there are at least 50 people on every flight that feel sick. Second, the plane would've needed to be airborne for 10 more minutes if it wanted to get to the final destination - DC. After 4+ hours in the air, you've already got whatever illness you're gonna get. Might as well finish the trip.

4. Schools are closing. Tragedy. What's driving this story? Some mother is upset her kid is missing his first date and there are others missing their proms. Bummer. I really can't feel bad for these people, as these are experiences that will no doubt made up at a later time. And no worries, Mom of the dateless dude. He'll be bangin' skanks and picking up STD's soon enough.

5. The RUNNER UP in the Miss USA pageant has somehow become the unofficial spokesperson for the anti-gay marriage side. Glorified loser/celebrity stalker Perez Hilton stirred up this mess by being the spokesperson for the pro gay side. Is this where we are? These two have a cumulative IQ of 73 and yet these are the voices for this issue.

6. Why does CNN have Twitter. Why are news channels allowing douchebags with computers to drive the news with their web cam rants, wall posts, and Tweets? Steve from Assholia writes, "Hey CNN, Obama is a douche and swine flu is delicious." Thanks for the insight, Steve. If you'd like to leave a valid argument such as Steve's, visit us at our 1,000 different social networking pages.

Alright, enough blogging for today. Lightning, out.

Oh Snap

All language needs a flowchart to demonstrate proper usage:

Lightning Strikes

Greetings, wandering blog reader that obviously has nothing better going on in their life. If you're looking for something interesting, you may wish to keep searching.

This is blog session 1. Giving this thing a try to see how it works. If I like it, I'll do it more often and add to it and all of that. If I don't like it, I'll probably do that stuff anyway because I'm a narcissist.

Anyhoo, here's to hoping it goes well. Cheers.

-Lightning