Motion Lights

Do you remember being a kid sneaking around the neighborhood at night doorbell ditching, or trying to find a ball or Frisbee that had gone a little further than expected and suddenly a beam of porch light exploded upon you and any of your accomplices? You would practically $hit your pants. It was like you made it over the prison wall only to be captured on the other side and having another 50 years tacked onto your sentence. And all you did was move. You didn't steal anything. You didn't vandalize someone's house. You moved. MOVED!

That was the most brilliant implementation of the motion light. As a kid, that was probably the most effective security measure someone could take. Better than a car alarm. Better than a barking dog. Just a light. If that light came on, you got the hell out of there.

But those times are gone. The motion light has lost its power...(unintentional pun). Why? I'll tell you why. Because instead of striking fear into the hearts of juveniles, the motion light become a common nuisance. It has come into our homes and workplaces under the guise of "energy saver" - in reality acting as a nagging parent telling us to shut off the light when we leave a room.

It assumes we want a light blasting us in the face first thing in the morning while our eyes are trying to adjust. Sometimes it's a bitch that just wants to mess with you, refusing to turn on until you do your most spastic, limb-flailing leprechaun dance in the middle of your office's break room.

Worst of all, the motion light decides when you've been in the bathroom stall a bit too long. Is there a more terrifying moment in a bathroom than when the light goes out? And is there a more humbling moment than when you're in that stall, the light goes out, and you know it's not because of a power failure? Or a more shameful feeling than when someone else enters the dark bathroom, the lights go on, and this person that assumed they were alone notices your feet behind the wall with your pants around your ankles....

Damn you, motion light! You have become an epic disappointment. Once so mighty and powerful, now just a jealous and spiteful shell of your former self. What happened to you? Was it the Clapper? Such a sad and tragic fall from grace. You should be ashamed of yourself.